She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
