So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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