I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
