I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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