you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
