I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
