im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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