Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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