I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you inspire me to be a worse person
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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