I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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