Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
