dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
