Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
