I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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