i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
