Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.