i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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