She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
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I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.