I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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