Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
