im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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