I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
