Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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