The maid of honor just puked.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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