Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
bring money and cleavage
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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