He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
