The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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