Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How does one acquire holy water?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
