My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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