My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
...so i touched it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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