Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
