i wish starbucks made bloody marys
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's the barista slut.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
