matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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