cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
