so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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