It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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