I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
