Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
