Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
