Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize