i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
