i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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