watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
