This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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