My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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