I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
