I haven't been this sober since birth.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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