i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
