You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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