I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
