every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
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girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
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She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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