I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
