My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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