there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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