WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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